Got a nice set of responses from a recent rant on Craigslist. Here it is in its intirety, my original post being first:

Guys who drive SUVs are insecure with their marriages...

or not married at all and relish their bachelorhood, pretending that they really do have all the freedom and sex that childish movies would like them to believe. Guys who drive SUVs and pickup trucks to their office jobs are pussies, and I'll tell you why. I go to work in my little compact and see row after row of pristine, polished, gigantic vehicles, their paintjobs don't have a scratch on them, and they have clearly never been used for their intended purpose: hard, manly work. The trucks, almost down to the very last one, have their beds covered over with either a synthetic leather sheet, or a permanent plastic cover. What these "men" are saying is that they have absolutely no use for the utility that a pickup truck provides. Sure, trucks are really useful if you own a landscaping business, work on construction, or are a farmer. But for a pussy suburbanite they are completely useless.

An SUV is nothing more than a minivan with worse gas mileage and a "cool factor" that only a pussy would ever crave. There is absolutely practical reason to choose a full-sized SUV over a minivan unless you really to need to fit that eigth passenger or you own a 60 foot yacht that needs to be put in dry storage every year. Guys only drive these monstrosities because they are afraid that their "manhood" would be compromised by driving a sissy minivan.

Let me tell you a story.

One day, an elephant and an ant are walking through the forest, when suddenly the elephant falls into a giant hole.
"Oh help me, help me Ant! Help me get out of this hole," cries the elephant.
So the ant runs back to his home, gets in his SUV, drives back to the hole, and tows the elephant out.
"Oh thank you, thank you Ant," says the elephant.
The next day, the elephant and the ant are walking through the forest, when the ant falls into a large hole. "Oh please help me Elephant! Help me get out of this hole," pleads the ant.
So the Elephant whips out his dick, lowers it into the hole, and hauls the ant out.
"Oh thank you, thank you Elephant," says the Ant.

The moral of the story: if you have a big dick, you don't need to drive an SUV.

To all guys who drive trucks and SUVs: grow up! Your vehicle never was a measure of your coolness or manhood. The only thing it says about you is that you are childish, selfish and vain.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

RE: Guys who drive SUVs are insecure with their marriages...

Anyone that goes through the trouble of that much tripe about a nothing issue obviously has insecurity issues of their own. Is your little pussy car leaving you feeling inadequate? Jealousy is a bitch...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


re: Guys who drive SUVs are insecure with their marriages...

Oh please,

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

re: guys who drive SUV's are insecure

Well written, lucid arguement. But you forgot one HUGE, glaring point: Some people really need/like/want 4-wheel drive. This is New England, and last I heard, sliding doors and built-in baby chairs didn't help too much in 4 feet of snow. You're precariously close to becoming a Jetta/Starbuck's fag. Careful, back away from that edge... for shopping at thrift stores and trying to look like the guy from the White Stripes are not admirable qualities after the age of 25. Those VW commercials are lying to you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drivers of SUV/TRUCKS

Nice post...nailed it right on the head about the assholes buying 35-40k pick up then covering up the bed which is the one thing that sets it apart from other vehicles for half the money. So an accountant friend of mine goes out and spends 42k on a new GMC. Time comes to move what's he do? Calls me and asks if I'll help, sure no problem. Then he asks if it's ok to use one of my trucks (which I use for fencing and deck business) So, I'm thinking he wants an EXTRA truck, get it done quicker. Nope, wants to use MY truck because it's a "work" truck, doesnt want to scratch HIS truck. NO, not the outside of the truck....he's worried about scratching up the INSIDE OF THE BED! WHY buy the fucking truck if youre not gonna use it?? I badgered him bad enough about it that he used his own..and I proudly put the first through the twentieth scratches on it!!